NZ Retreat Day 1posted by SallyGadsden , Yearly AccessFriday, January 29th 2010 @ 8:51 PM (not yet rated)
I arrive in New Zealand on the 1st Jan, having taken a taxi from the airport to the Wellpark centre. I am staying here whilst on retreat with Patrick, he lives down the road and we will be having 3 sessions a day together. I have a room with ensuite and shower, I think I may need these this week, would hate to be constantly running down the path to the shared bathrooms!
I wander round the gardens and check out the shared kitchens and meet some of the residents, they appear quite aloof, but that’s ok since I’m going to be in a world of my own for the next week.
I go for a swim in the wonderful lap pool and by 7ish I am ready for bed. Patrick and I will catch up tomorrow.
Patrick comes round and we greet and sit in the garden talking about the week ahead. A mixture of meditation, process and bodywork. Patrick will come round three times a day, 8.30, 2ish and 7.30pm, in between times I will have homework including meditations. Patrick shares with me some of the experiences of past retreats and mentions that one retreatant had an amazing experience when up in the woods one night, he went through his Shamans death. I have heard of this before, and am aware that I am also a Shaman but have much to learn about it, actually have been looking for someone to teach me more. I have a mentor in Melbourne who works with me energetically and he has been great at getting me to find my own answers whilst in session.
I know I am here ‘on retreat’ but I have been guided to come and really do not know why, I just know I have to be here and that there is a journey ahead of me. A friend in Melbourne said at one point, so much has happened to you in the last little while (since Patricks workshop!) you can already speak in tongues what more do you want?
Its not a yearning for more, it’s a following of my path and I have been told I need to go, so … I’m here, trusting that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. This has all been very much last minute, I booked the flight on Wednesday and now its Saturday and I’m here. House sitters were magically available, and the trip could not have been easier.
So we chat for a while on the lawn, and Patrick goes. I wander around and then decide to go to the shops to get some supplies. A walk down the drive and then I am next to the main road and up the hill is a vast Westfield shopping centre! I walk up and wander around, kmart I buy a sheet as the one in my room is thread bare. I go to the supermarket and pick up some supplies, mostly protein shakes, some eggs, bread and fruit, milk and butter. The bags are heavy walking down the hill and I tune in and sing as I walk. There are lots of little birds in the grass some with yellow under them and I stop and study them for a while.
Its ‘pot luck’ night at the community kitchen so I have also bought avocado, tortillas and the makings of coleslaw.
It seems odd sitting with strangers and I listen for a while and join in a bit, hearing stories of their holidays and snippets of news about the community.
I am tired so I go to bed, ready for the next day, the first day of my Retreat!
I’m awake, I look at the clock and it says 1.11am! so decide to tune in. really now its 8.30 and so much has happened, can’t really describe what was happening.- Remember though at one point an energy seemed to appear at the rate of knots and ended up a hairs breath of my back, it spooked me and I found it hard to calm down, so took my wrap and sat outside on the deck in the moonlight. Words came of a language not spoken before- Mayan or ancient South American and they spoke to the moon as I bathed in its light. A while later, calmer and clearer I head off to bed again.
I wake, not really rested to the alarm, head off to the pool and swim 20 laps, beautiful temperature, and the pool to myself. It’s a form of meditation the gentle repetition of the stroke, the breath and the beautiful water as I glide through it. Such a lovely spot. There is a rhododendron by the pool; I smile as I look at it- memories of my dear grandmother.
DAY 1 SESSION 1
Patrick arrives and we chat for a little, share night experiences, Patrick had an accelerator dream as well, and then sit for a meditation.Immediately I feel the shaking and the vibrating in my body as the energy connects. And as guided to breath deeper and deeper start coughing- blocks- lay myself down to cope with the arching and spasms that come but find now not so aggressive as I fully accept the energy coming in. I imagine the blocked area releasing layers like petal layers of a flower, relaxing and releasing as the breath/energy infuses the cells. Sometimes there are big blocks- today hips and legs remained un- infused till later, stuck in the hip,not letting energy flow past, typical holding place for me. An area I need to pay close attention to – it’s like a weir, it seems to stop energy and blood flow- neural problems bad circulation and muscular tightness. Ego holding onto control.
Actually it’s been a couple of weeks since I really connected with the energy. I was tuning in daily but once the boys arrived back from school I let it slip. So excited to see them and have them home again. So much love……overwhelming…I digress!!!!
The energy feels softer than before and today all about feeling and sensing it inside me- like a warm glow, vibration in every cell- I float in that feeling drifting from cell to cell, like floating in a sea of me. Just thinking of that can take me back to that space as I float and tune in some more. It is my inner peace, my calm, my all pervading sense of aahhh….like the bottom of a sigh.
From time to time Patrick places his hands on me and I feel the energy pay attention to that place- it’s almost as if he knows what’s coming next and is encouraging it in. Throat chakra- feel it opening more- have had several vast shifts in this chakra since October- each one easing the channeling and voices that come in more clearly. This time it feels more like remembering to open the door.
When he holds my feet- I feel the energy come in as a flame – blue/gold cool not hot, that flows up my legs, over my torso, my chest and arms and my head. I see myself illuminated in the blue gold flame.
Still there is a blockage in my legs- so the voices come in and help me to clear it. It feels like a mans voice this time, American Indian/Mayan- not sure- he is talking to my body instructing it what to d, coaxing the layers to open up and let the energy flow. My hands are down there either side of my hips- using and directing the energy flow. My body gradually responds, but there is much resistance, more an unwillingness or maybe just lack of knowledge in how to do it. It has been this way for a long time, almost rusty to the knowledge of how to open up and let it flow freely.
Eventually there is some flow, gentle and soft, feeling like I’m floating in me again. Patrick tells me to stay in that state as long as possible and leaves. Five minutes later I need to Pee!! So I do almost in a sleepwalk for I do not want to loose the ‘presence’ I am in- sure enough it works and I rest myself back on the bed and float easily back to bliss.
The room seems bright through my closed eyes, so I hide under the covers- and now it is bright blue with golden sparkles- I chuckle to myself remembering the ‘daylight at night time’ inner light – and know all is fine. I lie there gently easing through and in and out, hovering in the golden sea of me, of life, of everything- Patrick joked and said to stay in that place all week! Not a hard task!- and, though I am now ‘awake’ and outside in the beautiful garden I can still sense it on another level, I feel I well be floating on this golden sea all week, dipping deeper and shallower as the energy requests.
I come out of the ‘trance’ ‘meditation’ state and lie still just observing my surroundings, feeling quite spaced out, slightly dizzy in the head, and know that I just need to rest for a little while. So some channeled singing starts coming through, a lullaby, no a song to remember- haunting, clear, my voice is guided to move to the next note, and I let it flow,- after about 20mins I decide to record some so turn on my phone and press microphone- 10 mins later it comes to an end. A womans voice- an ancient chant/song of remembering - haunting, I sing, I observe, I listen, I meld with the sound as it infiltrates my whole being- ‘remember this….remember this’ it whispers. ‘This is you, this is me, this is all……..’
“Come gently and sing, go gently into this world, bring all that is into you as you flow and sing, feel all as it is, watch the notes, they are like birds flying, soaring, hovering, diving in the air- you sing from the heart dearest one- this is your heart song. Remember…..”
DAY 1 SESSION 2
Just as I finish writing my journal and sketching in the garden Patrick arrives.
We discuss my blockage in the root- and we talk about the energies that are attracted to these weaknesses, and how the energy that appeared at warp speed last night brought such a reaction in me.
Usually I would infuse it with love, or some method but last night was taken by surprise and was like a stunned bunny! Without that energy I would not be looking so carefully where my wound/attraction lies within me so I thank it for showing me more elements of myself.
We talk about mantra and the bibles quote in Saul saying not to do meaningless repetition- it makes sense if you speak form deep within you then you divine will connect with the divine- fast track!
Remember All Love- infinity constantly flowing over and through your heart.
Speaking of the heart I remembered the message I received from spirit about opening mine up. I was just about to step into Patricks 1st workshop at Utopia and I still had much grief which I believe would hold my heart back from opening fully. I so wanted to 100%embrace my open heart.
Spirit/God revealed to me that your grief lies not in your heart but in every cell of your body and if you open your heart your grief can be healed- permission to open my heart.
But it is grief that we come back to, as the tears well up from within, I talk about losing my youngest brother 3 years ago in awful circumstances, of the death of my twin when we were 9 months old and the death of my brothers little son, also a twin 6 months before my brother died. Much grief, all interlinked.
So we work from that feeling where I sense that grief in my body and tuning in to it- in order to be able to bring it out and express it orally.
Starting in my heart I find the grief attached to Charlie, deeper and deeper, and it flows, an outpouring. I speak to Charlie and he comes in and speaks to me. We recognise what each other meant to us, and the binding of love that we held between us. I miss him so much- apart from my Grandmother Judy, the only member of my family that accepted me fully and understood me- as I did him, mutual love, unconditional love.
It takes me deeper to my core now, the grief, no longer Charlie but my twin Richard- I go to that place but find it numb, no feeling, with Patricks encouragement I sink deeper into the nothingness, the numbness and find my absolute rawness of being ripped from him- I see an umbilical cord with 2 branches all linked and his is just a gaping, raw red fleshy wound and the cord is ripped and torn and I am still in trauma.
I call Richard in to sense him, we are in the womb together, I feel every move he makes, he kicks and the waters surrounding me ripple, I feel his every sense, we mirror each other, we are warm, happy, contented and at peace together. Unity, companionship; I share my thoughts- and I thank him for being there for me, the gratitude takes over and the tears of thankfulness fall, then he is ripped away, I try to catch him, agonizing in my pain, disbelief that he is leaving me, ‘Please don’t leave- don’t leave me, by myself, all alone’ I cry out- wounded so deep, its so raw, I’m in shock, ‘please don’t go’……… he shows me where he is, I feel the sense of peace and calm and I tune in to that, he tells me its ok and that he will never really leave, I recognise that there is no separation only unity and take that truth into my being.
Waves come and go as I integrate this knowledge and experience, letting go of illusion and layers of built up ‘padding’ or protection.
Patrick leaves and I continue on gently assimilating, crying and breathing. As the music plays I can see a very old lady unstitching very carefully tiny, tight stitches that hold the layers and layers around my core- my hips and root- piled up high these layers and tightly attached to each other leaving no gap even for air!
She patiently unpicks stitch by stitch as I observe.
I see shadows, like smoke rising up from the root, drifting one by one upwards and as they leave feel the warmth of the light pouring in.
Finally two great wads of fabric are finally freed from my body, I turn over and allow the front to be unstitched also.
Then it is as if I am unzipped, from the bottom of my feet the zips run up the legs, up the stomach and I pull off – like a jumper the layers I have had around me for so long. I lie naked as me, and observe my self now free of the heavy layers.
I bathe myself with the warmth of the all love energy, letting it seep into every pore, still it continues.
Then I sit/lie in that state as I calm, eventually coming to.Headache, backache, shaky, but fine.I have a drink and a protein shake and just rest a while.I then listen to my ‘heart song’ over the speakers and let it resonate within me.
“Gently, gently Sally, such big shifts, allow yourself time to integrate and continue healing. Remember you have sat with this for your whole life, let it dissipate and treat yourself gently while it does.”
Feel like having a hot bath! But no hot water and no bath! A swim, and movement will help the flow.Patrick not coming back til 8pm- have 2 hours to relax, recover!
DAY 1 SESSION 3
Tonight we chatted about what came up this afternoon, how when you clear a core issue all the other compounding layers are cleared too.
We talked about different methods of getting a group class going, the stages, -holding hands, meditation, emotion/family issues, dance.
We went through the sitting Shenu meditation, I wasn’t really sure if I was connecting but it just felt gentle and flowing, I felt the Ankh as my body and danced infinity through my hips and heart, dancing was beautiful and smooth, connected to the earth Played with the energy connecting to it with my hands. Patrick left me, connected to the sun, pyramids came in, sun came in, and I was filled with light. Danced through the energy, infinity all love with my hands with my hips with my body and then I Sat for a while afterwards integrating the energy. Moved to the bed and lay down.
After coming out of the session this pm there was a lot of tension in my neck my shoulders and I put this down to the vast shift that had happened and that some heat and some movement would help it so I went for a swim. probably swam too far 30 laps, I bathed in the sun and then I found a hot shower and let it pummel on my shoulders so when I came to the meditation with Patrick this evening apart from some sinusey pain it was just bothering me a bit. After coming out of the meditation it began to grow and my cheekbones ached, pressure like a vice against them, my eyes hurt my neck hurt if I pushed on one part of my neck it would relief the pressure so I took some magnesium, Boswelia and zinc, sat with it for a little while but it was not easing up and I could not see how I could sleep with this immense pressure pushing in on me. So I asked Patrick to come round to ease my neck thinking I had a trapped nerve or something which he very sweetly did. Got me on the table, pressed against my neck and pop it was not a trapped nerve it was trapped energy!
Suddenly I was transported into another dimension whilst fully present on the table. I could feel all on the table and in the experience, I could feel everything as if it were happening right now. The Pain, the fear, the survival instinct, the surrender and the acceptance.
“I was a high priest laid down on a temple high like in the Mayan times. I could see that this was my death, it was ceremony and I had to let it go.
There was so much fear. But I tried to accept as the blades dug deep blade after blade, each cut was felt energetically by my body as I writhed and cramped up every time they hit, it felt so real, as if I was really physically experiencing an attack, not knowing when or where the next strike would be, they even stuck a blade in the side of me, many cuts, and the final one in my forehead.
I knew then that I could transform my energy, so I left my human body. I saw above me Lion and Jaguar. And I recreated myself as Eagle, big black wings, white head, yellow beak, the eagle wings came up and I began to heal my wounds. As the vibration came in I place my hands on my heart or wings on my heart, vibration comes in and the wounds heal. Down to the ribs so many cuts they too heal, down to the stomach, soothe side that cut too, on to the stomach and down, down to the base the core, no cuts there but a centering of energy, and the wings come up and I lay them over my chest relieved that this was over and I was able to transform. I am able to breathe freely, free from pain and panic and fear.
Patrick puts his hands on my neck again and lo and behold it’s not the end! They do not stab me this time, as Eagle they strangle me but my neck is so big and their hands are not big, so they tie a rope around it and pull, pull, suffocating, strangling, I fight for breath, I can feel the clamping around my neck, the immense pressure, I don’t want to resist it I know I must die -again, but even though I don’t resist, my body does, it still fights that last gasp for life, and so I decide to transform again to escape this death, how can I escape? …
...and so as I’ve gone from Eagle I become a butterfly and smile to myself, "how clever I am I can fly away from here tiny a little butterfly no one will notice that. Metamorphosis, transformation, that’s what life is about- I shall change into Butterfly." And as I flap merrily on my way, thinking I’ve escaped them, I am caught and stabbed; to the heart - once again I die….
I know the option is to become spirit, pure true spirit, and that is an easy option, just go, just be..... But I am meant to be of this world, I am meant to be earth, of the earth. I am not supposed to be flying out in spirit, not this lifetime. How do I, how do I manage this? And become ‘earthly’ again?
So that’s what I become, I sink myself down into the earth, the very depths of the earth, my awareness sinks into the core, into the dirt, grains the dust, the rock. I am buried, I am dirt. No one can separate me from this and yet the spades come in and pierce right through me, they seperate me and cut me up, they hound me, i am split into many pieces, and then I realise I am every where. The dust flys out into the universe and across the world and down into the centre of the earth, it is millions, it is multi dimensional, it is everywhere, I am everywhere and everything. How can you eradicate everywhere, everything? spread into millions of tiny dust particles, I am everywhere.
That, that is the key. To stop defining yourself as you and you and your body and to realise and recognize that we, you, I, am everywhere and everything, for we are God and he is everywhere and everything. If our body dies we continue on and on, ever- lasting, immortal.
And so, once dispersed the struggle stops, the light bulb has gone on. And I rest peacefully, my head still hurts, my neck still hurts, but, for the moment, no more death, just for tonight some rest maybe….
Even when you give yourself up totally to something, it does not stop the fear of losing that spark of life. Whilst lying there after dying I could still see the daggers going into my body, and yet I felt nothing, I knew it was me, and yet I felt nothing. I also knew I was still breathing, and yet part of my spirit self had just died- time and time again. Such is the human form, there is nothing to be feared in death, it is a transition to another form, a recognition of who we are and where we come from and where we can be found.
We are the reflection of God and we can be found in every blade of grass, in every speck of dust, in every glimmer of light that shines and glows and is………….
It is past midnight now.. Sleep would be most welcome………