 | Continued JournalMonday, February 25th 2008 @ 2:39 PM |
Continued from first blog/see below:
Patrick came down to tell me to forget the article, that he probably shouldn’t have given it to me...but is glad for the work I did. I redid the first paragraph. Pizza had come. I went up for dinner and ginger beer – really like it but boy is it sweet! Full of sugar… Left before the belly dancing – my hip had been hurting badly and I was feeling pitiful – I didn’t even want to get up and walk across the kitchen it hurt so much. I knew I’d want to sway my hips w/the belly dancing but couldn’t manage it. I felt pretty pitiful. Patrick came after me hoping I wouldn’t leave. He’s such a sweet heart. I heard the singing shortly after for the Birthday girl Nats and felt sad that I was downstairs - I was so overwhelmed by all the activity…I’m sure if I had felt better I would have stayed. I did the child’s pose (Patrick’s suggestion) and it did help my back and hip some – it was easier getting upstairs later. I had decided to cheat and read Hafiz. Patrick came down to tell me to come watch the belly dancing. (He caught me reading.) I was getting dressed and then there was this thundering: “Sherry!! Sherry!!” From Zak and Zena as they came down o get me. Zak may have seen a bit more of me than he wanted. A** did the dancing and Zena.
Enjoyed the party as it was winding down. At one point Natalie curled up with me w/kisses and hugs. So Sweet. Gave Patrick – or we gave each other big hugs and kisses too. It will indeed be hard to leave this tub of love. ..and part of me feels like I’m partially gone already – preparing somehow. Tomorrow is day 5…its going so quickly. Patrick says we will go deep again…do the DNA healing and see what comes up. In the past my “I don’t want to be here” came roaring up. That was back working with TBT. I wonder if she is still around? I shall wait and let it surprise me…
“I have no use for divine patience – my lips are always burning and everywhere.
I am running from every corner of this world and sky wanting to kiss you:
…..
God and I are running from every corner of existence, needing to say , ‘We are yours’”
- Hafiz
Words can get you to open your heart too – go straight into and explode it with love!!!
Thank you Hafiz and Rumi.
FYI – That was part of the bliss of my work/relationship with TBT, he loved poetry – particularly Rumi. That’s why I wrote poems to him. What a love story – tragic ending and all. :OI
If I could change the ending – I’d have someone heal the hurt between us – partially the work here – and create a friendly co-existence…separate but friendly. I don’t think I’d want to be his friend anymore but I do wish he would take me off his enemy list. From the bristling I get from one of his community members – I’d say I am on a poster in his apartment with a circle with a line across it. I’d like that to change.
Another teacher wasn’t surprised he acted like a butt head. I’m afraid I was amused and somewhat delighted to hear that. Yes…he’s the bad guy…I’m the angel – of course.
Strange day today…Tantra, sleep, writing, party, reading, party, writing… Feeling a bit disconnected but am pretty certain things will be rolling again tomorrow. (10:20pm)
January 20, 2008 Day 5 Retreat – 9:35am Meditation using the humming sound “love” w/o the word – the hum in the heart. Long chat with Patrick – read my journal. We went into my disconnect. He had me feel that and talk it through. His “having to talk to YM” about me being such a big lady. Felt rejecting…Patrick felt that too. He only sees me and not the bigness unless it is right in front of him - again that feels odd. He used an expression of expansion and surprise as he said it in emphasis…. It was said not to be unkind and I know he sees me – and then there is the traditional male aversion to this body size. Crying. It is as it is. Yes, I’d love the sweet erotic youthful body. Can I accept me as I am when others do not..without anger or fear but love? This is tricky – loving my present state and transforming it as well.
In the love is the transformation.
That rejection I feel I have for myself too. I look in the mirror and feel disgust. Then I try to change that into love and acceptance. I fault others for the same response I have. I have a sick animal body…that is a belief there. Whenever I think of transforming my body I think of the future…I do not feel it now. NOW is the time to feel I already have a healthy body. It is so.
Talked to Patrick about my fear about being a teacher – taking the elevated position and becoming a target. The other fear is the intensity of the work – what if someone dies in the class or is re-tramatized and blames me, etc. I told him that is ego and if I step into alignment with Spirit it is no problem.
Patrick encouraged me to not rely on muscle testing – use feeling deeply to find the answer.
As I was meditating I got an image of a block of energy low in Patrick…some fear maybe connected to something as a boy. This could all be a projection too…the block is near were mine was. We see each other when we do this work. What I see when I look at Patrick is a tender friend. Such a dear Soul. There is humility there and surrender to something bigger than him – ecstatic full bodied surrender and ease. The Ease is the ticket…one of Kristine’s favorite words since she had so little of it.
Oh Yeah…heart orgasms – after glow! So Patrick – we need to get me a regular diet of heart orgasms…so that’s why the All Love…yup, I get it. Even with the genital orgasm it takes –usually- stimulation…only had one spontaneous one…sweet as they are! OK – a different kind of masturbation –yes?
I realized that I am friends or getting friendly with a person opening a big spiritual center – perfect to hold classes in… :O) I ask for the classes to come together for me and for interest and excitement to build to bring Patrick too. It is the right energy there too.
Post “Massage Session” 12:30pm
Spots on the back of my head – triggered ‘You don’t listen to me, you won’t listen to me!’ Came from past life teacher life - Sirus was my name – or that name came out when asked. Great shame, student overthrowing me. I loved him so much – he wouldn’t listen to me – old fool – I became all that he saw – I closed my heart – deeper – I am not worthy. Sat up and vomited it out again – screaming, contracting, writhing, shaking. Patrick said I had gotten comfortable with that level of expression – I needed to go deeper. My body wanted to shake and he kept saying “let it come, Sherry – let the energy come in and move your body all the way through – don’t let it stop at the pelvis…all the way down to your feet.” I shook and kicked and writhed. He moved me out to the floor mat where I writhed freely and twisted my body like a snake. He said to let my body do what it needed to heal. It felt sensual and erotic and earthy – delightful and healing. I became the snake Kundalini – I am Kundalini – she rose to look me in the eyes – I begged for a blue pearl. She brought me back to now. I let go and let the energy move me – shaking and writhing and then deep loving stillness. I asked the Beloved Lover to come in and felt warmth coming up my feet, legs, stomach, covering me – holding me in sweet loving.
I am so grateful.
The speaking (in tongues) started – Patrick wanted me to bring that all the way through my body but could not quiet do it yet.
I asked Sirus to release me and to take this healing into his heart. Release his heart through me . Crying. Oh my sweet old fool – rejoice in your story and let it go. Transformation into light. I am not worthy – I’m afraid of being exposed and shamed again. I am so susceptible to ego inflation and dancing that fools dance. So I should love the dance and let it go. Its hard to be a hollow reed – these little ego bumps keep intruding. So here I am to heal the ego and learn to love her…figment of the mind as she is…
Oh God I feel a rush of pleasure writing that. Love the contractions…releasing feels so good.
This one was an old one.
May I pause here to note the tenderness of being held and encouraged. This dance of the other can be so sweet. And so painful. Thank you Beloved for giving me the ability to do this deep work with these two light beings – these two joyful souls – these two silly wonderful people. It really is interesting – the idea of moving here…interesting and if Beloved wants me here I’m sure I’ll be here.
Sometimes with past lives I wonder if it’s all just bullshit covering this life’s issues. Sure feels real – the pain coming through. Silly old man…disgraced old man…broken hearted old man. Rigidity was my (his) downfall. He couldn’t let go of the old ways to allow new ideas and approaches so he was washed aside.
P.S. My period started today! Grrr! That’s why I was in so much pain last night. ACK! I was wondering if that would happen. E** will be amused. Had to have been over 6 months.
Patrick told me this morning that he saw me teaching and doing readings, channeling. I need to let go of the insecurity. I told him about the time after Kristine died – how seated in myself I was…he wanted me to bring that feeling in…I was partially successful. But guess what, I just blinked and here I am. :O)
Good/ very very good release! Ah! :O) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Could sleep now but may stay up to walk about in this glow. A cheese sandwich sounds good.
The dance of the other…
These bodies…
My hip feels normal again. Unlocked. That child’s pose really helped…and getting my period and Patrick’s prayers. (He said he didn’t want me to leave here worse off than when I came.)
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Went up north to the Hot pools in the afternoon – soaked in many warm to hot mineral pools…Patrick had me float with feet through a child’s inner tube and breathe. Floating held by him – him speaking gently “breathe , breathe, let the energy come in…” Next to his heart. I missed my Dad. Something of water and floating in safety with Daddy.
Stopped for Mexican food. Patrick told me to be silent when I tried to small talk about what car I bought and dating on line a spiritual guy with Asbergers. So tonight few words were spoken.
There was a cute moment, playful moment in the pool w/Natalie when Patrick came over and asked what was going on…was that motherly stuff?!? (Natalie and I were floating together whispering) Cute.
But tonight I feel open and vulnerable again – it is a sweet vulnerability – not unwelcome.
Oh my Beloved Friends, how can I describe how sweet this all has been. Are my words here touching it?
Patrick said TBT was my muse – love and pain, that’s the muse. I write some intense stuff then.
My book’s title: “Stripped Naked and Other Songs of Love”
Sri Rudrum – I was going to play that to honor the end of Sirus’ pain. If this past life memory is valid – and I felt it so so deeply – being old and seen as a fool – fallen and ashamed – disgraces. I honor that soul life and with love release any lingering pain and belief contractions dear Sirus has brought in with me. With love I release you to love and Light Sirus. Be at peace in my heart. I unchain myself from those stories…with love as the key.
Sri Rudrum……
January 21, 2008, 5:15am - Day 6 Retreat I am grateful for the quieting yesterday – walking back into some silence. Woke around 4:15 and could not go back to sleep. Tried meditating and the mind was dancing. Thought of my lifetime ending in such shame and regret. Swaahah
Now what will today bring? Shall we go deeper into my feeling rejected and unattractive? What about my lifetime as a Priest where I used my devotees like a predator - used my spiritual power for self gain? When can I allow myself that exquisite heart orgasm?
Thank you for the healing of my hip yesterday…through child’s pose, prayer and my period starting.
Sleep again now? (Yes)
1:10pm
This am – Tantra with Natalie – first one to one session. Got to sleep late – 8am and still wanted to stay in bed. Had menstral cramps.
Tantra – so much ease and comfort. Also some releasing, crying…my body taking note how unusual and rare this loving sensual sexual touch is for me from anyone other than me.
Again, sighing, deep breathing and sighing – warm to hot oil all over me so I was slick and slippery (started face down). Natalie got up on the table and did the full body slide over me and feeling her beautiful body slipping over me shot sexual energy through me. God – Patrick is a very lucky boy! This first time erotic connection added to the session, I even allowed myself to think of penises as Natalie worked on my Yoni.
I wanted to roll over shortly after the full body slides and get to the multiple orgasms for the day. The feel of oil poured over me and all of me touched – toyed with – rubbed deeply. A lot of the touch is gentle and playful, changing and all the oil makes the friction different. I seem to need stronger touch, deeper. (edited) I finally asked permission to show Nats what I liked. The oil changes the experience – it feels good but does remove some of the delightful friction. Nats worked and worked on me and it took quite a while but there they were following each other nicely at the end.
Had an amazing heart based meditation after.
Did some crying and toning during too…and some opening crying after.
The goddess joined my body for a period during the session. I became still and opened my arms wide- feeling her enjoying my sensual pleasure. Sweet sacred space. I am so delighted and lucky to have this full body massage dream come true.
Nats said Patrick may join us tomorrow if he feels comfortable. I think that would be powerful and I wonder how that energy would change the experience. I hope I get to find out and I leave it to the Beloved’s light to manifest the highest good. Servant of the light.
I should rest. That was Heaven and Hell may be coming up next. Trying to stay in the All Love meditation. Stay in the heart.
Now sleep a bit, play and sleep a bit.
Rested deeply but very briefly.
I kept thinking of the two movies The Road to Wellville and Sirens. I think Sirens was about NZ or Austrailia…that’s the one I loved, so sensual and erotic. It also showed how excluded and ostracized the free group of women were. It was the concern I had for Patrick’s work connecting to the Tantra. It so beautifully fits and so many will want to look down their spiritual noses at it. Well girls and guys – come experience this loving comfortable bliss – feel adored from head to toe to penis or yoni. Learn to let go of shame and some intense releasing while you’re at it….Heaven and Hell…and transform your life into All Love. OK - I sound like an advertisement. I remember my fear and judgment and interest. Maybe the more they whine the more they want it. (Louise Hay – anything you complain about you have an unconscious desire to manifest.) Another student telling me how transformative it was – a true healing session – was what transformed my vision and put me on a plane to NZ.
When I was working with TBT after the surprise ending of my marriage – I was set on salvation through the other – hopefully TBT. I could not be complete without ‘the other’. I did not want to be alone even though I was very alone in my marriage – he was often a great companion … (Edited blathering ). All Love All Love All Love…….
DNA Meditation in my room.
Integrating bringing in twin strands from heaven, earth, right-male, left-female, past, future. Finding the perfect cell in my heart, repairing it with light – then joining with it perfect DNA strands to rebuild my body, my mind to the perfect servant of light. (My choice)
“Yes, Sherry, it really is happening.” The shaking, the waves and waves of shaking. Isis and Osirus came to give love and blessings. That is when I saw Patrick and I as old dear friends from an ancient Egyptian time. There was a river near where we often met. We loved the river and each other as dear friends. I wept when I saw this. Maybe this is the deep comfort for me. A familiar.
I rocked and shook with the energy as Patrick encouraged me to let the DNA change all the cells in my body. When he said let the next wave in – go deeper – in my gut I screamed with a guttural growling howl…the horror and pain crawling up out of me. The murderous ugly darkness living there – part of me that I can let go now.
I really like the side to side rocking, my face loose and flapping. Free. Then the snake came down in writhing. I thought – you can leave for this part Patrick – I glimpsed and he had. :O) He is so good. Sometimes I forget how much work this humble ‘just a guy’ servant has done. How very plugged in he is. If not - he does a great impression. HEH
I just don’t want this to end. Crying again. Pre-grieving my leaving.
I was saying earlier that I was so needy when I was working with TBT. That dear soul did a lot of deep work with me – the co-dependant, gloomy – never leave me shit was just so intense… Having been left…that energy even duplicated with a dentist who fired me as a patient and several clients, culminating with TBT and all but one friend in that spiritual community. The intense victim I was seeing myself as was multiply manifested – till with Kristine’s and Patrick’s help, I stopped. Reading some of the Abraham stuff helped a lot too. And then Arjuna Ardagh, bless him!
I saw my relationship with TBT as part of this healing and loved him fully as he is, the dark and the light – the mean and the tender. I am so grateful for his love and care through such a hard time. Thank you sweet dear crazy TBT.
Doing this work having unhooked from looking to the other to fulfill me is pivotal. So when I whine that I don’t want to leave I can feel how that old dependant self waves a hand…
This deep curative time I will cherish for all my days. So next year… 21 days. :O)
After Dinner:
Leonard Beloved
Sweet Lips sings love songs
inside darkness and light
Such deep frightening darkness
broken open on page after page.
Did the silence soften you?
Thank you for The 10 New Songs.
Thank you for Susanne and The Sister of Mercy.
Poems into Songs
Your beautiful heart always shone through the dark nights.
I hope you are not gone and sing me more songs.
………………………………&he llip;……………………………&hellip ;…………
I want to write love poems, love songs like Rumi and Hafiz, Intoxicated Lovers, both…and then there’s Leonard Cohen. I was so intoxicated with love and pain. Does All Love have a voice too? Does Isis want to speak? So much power with her – great protection. Where you ever human? Thank you for this blessed initiation. I asked to have “it” and heard ‘it is yours.’ I am That.
Here I go again grieving that it is the last day. Looking at the next page realizing I will be writing day 7. So funny… I thought I would be looking forward to this ending – NOPE! Some of the intense work with the vomiting up the blocks…that wasn’t ‘fun’ but boy did I need it.
Mind wandering…if I do a Patrick class in Baltimore, can we invite TBT? Would he come? It would be a joy to heal that rift.
As I meditated I wondered what Love wants for All Love and Patrick. Do the blockades come as lessons, protections, manifestations of Patrick’s subconscious beliefs? Is there something that need to shift before the ‘Earth people’ open their arms to this? This is a powerful work that can be directed in odd ways by students. I suspect that’s why the old ones ranted about using old tried and true ways to get “there”. I do know I deeply deeply respect the human lessons taught through Yoga…those I learned through Kristine and Gurumaya…Popeye the Dog for one. :O) The lesson of the mirror – we see whatever we project and that energy comes manifest to us…from within us.
So at home I must at some level project a fear of being touched because I think others fear it. Maybe this deep sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual work will unblock me. Project love and ease out – it doesn’t have to be accepted but what a way to live! Yes!
9:30pm on Day 6
Thank you for this ecstasy created in such comfort and ease…OK with the occasional screaming writhing ‘no I don’t want to go there” thrown in! :O)
January 22, 2008 – Day 7 Retreat 9:50am Woke up less upset about the ending of the retreat. Today I can talk freely. Mostly been true but not entirely up till now. At breakfast it did feel different – like more one of the family. Got to talk about Terry Pratchett and Disc world. Yesterday it was a hoot watching Patrick drawn in to see Madagascar when Louie Armstrong was singing “It’s a Wonderful World We Live In”. I laughed and laughed. He will never hear that tune the same way again.
Tantra with Natalie this am. Patrick can’t leave the kids…he said maybe this afternoon – we’ll see. Damn I hope so…been looking forward to it. He said he could see the groundedness in self happening. He talked about several large less attractive women that have men all around them – tantric women – because they exude such deep self confidence. I get it and I know it – have for a long time…just have had this huge fear block in the 2nd chakra. Abortion related.
Last night I thought of G** and how grounded my love is for him and how fortunate I am to find yet one more man I can love that way. Oh my Beloved, thank you for Patrick and M** and Beloved G**. Thank you for this healing.
Ready for Tantra. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Released and released – brought forth all ex-lovers and released them. Released the shame! The pain of loss of innocence with the pregnancy and abortion. The hurt and closed downness of being used like a whore the last time Greg had sex with me. Had yoni speak, “I want a man’s touch.” In my mind now, “I want you to love me.” She spoke more leading me to the release of the loss of innocence. Nats had me see and feel my sexual self…after she got me to puke out and release – she does know how to get you to vomit – good vomit sounds…Threw up through the faceplate onto the floor and waiting paper towels. Toned out so much pain and hurt from my sexual body. Led to see the sexual self as red light through the body and look/feel where there is a block – across my lower stomach – which is also the area across from my spine injury. Again –abortion related – wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t had the weight. Started screaming and toning out the knot releasing into the light – swaying my body, shaking into awesome initiation. Naked oiled awesome screaming initiation. YES! And then the loving sliding sweetly playing hands over my body stimulating the awakened healed sexual self. “I love myself!” Screamed that out! I was so ready to ignite into orgasm again again again. Beyond Awesome! No words describe the depth of my gratitude for this healing, this loving, this freedom! Thank you Beloved!
Natalie thinks the All Love work should be done naked together –you are baring the heart. It is an amazing opening. I told her I would make sure Patrick worked on me naked this afternoon. She said he is a little shy being naked around me. I told her to tell him to get over it. He certainly has seen all of me, he would need a speculum to see more. :OI Honestly I would love sexual touch from him – safe deep loving sexual touch. Ah well…make that All Love!
I unzipped this suite of soft fat that has been my lover and protector and lovingly, sexually kisses her goodbye with deep gratitude for the protection she has given me. I awaken to the shining freedom of armor-less loving life.
Rested
12:15pm
I meant to mention…about 2 or so days ago I happened to be coming upstairs for dinner and an attractive 30ish to 40ish male client was leaving – he looked up and saw me and thanked me with such heart felt loving sincerity. He had been so well loved and it shone all over him. Namaste Beloved. The healings are reaching the men!
In Tantra, confessed that I knew we were not concrete and could access immediate change but that was not for me. I claimed it as mine, MINE! I can instantly heal. I have! Now! Always!
Chaffing at the tease…a bit hurt and crying over it.
Hot Water Breathe Work
Wish I could write down what comes up as it happens. Released the burning child and the predator.
”I died in fire!”
“I won’t let you, I won’t let you walk in power again to miss use it. I bind your spirit and won’t allow it.” I released him but still feel some stickiness. Then I saw the need for all these lives like a book in my heart for others to read and learn from – to display the dark with the light and the open released light being we all become. We become THAT no matter what we do here – but why not live for love and kindness.
Saw myself born – “I came to love you.” “I came to love you all.” Counting me! Kristine came in to show her love and Dad. Went into deep sweet love and light – heart opening space. I floated naked in the hot water moving some with energy running through me – Patrick poured warm/hot water on me and touched my heart and belly as I worked things through.
Rested deeply.
Then my mind started wrestling with me about the Tantra and Patrick. I suspect if yes or no were clear I would not be feeling teased and hurt. “We’ll see”…ACK! So my Beloved – is this how my retreat ends? Feeling a bit wiped out, very well released and yet teased in the wrong way a bit? OW! May this story have a happy loving open hearted ending and my heart felt disappointment release me for more joy. “Maybe this afternoon – we’ll see…”
Trying not to shut down…Its 6pm.
The afternoon has ended.
So… OW.
Embarrassed by my disappointment . Crying. Both Patrick, then Nats came down. Wasn’t sure I could go up and eat…so embarrassed by my disappointment. So Patrick has never tried Tantra naked, he’s too uncomfortable. Well, then maybe its not Tantra…the nudity creates the level of intimacy and openness. He says he has never worked on a woman (He used the word “lady” – that says a lot right there) like that and the time he tried he showed up in shorts, moved his hand over her once and she went into process. So…when he can do the work without fear and without clothes he can call me. He said at dinner, I did go up, that maybe when I come back….again, the tease. (I assume with clothes on.) Well, a really lovely massage would be great. I will take him up on that. When he’s ready to learn Tantra I volunteer, but not me naked and him clothed. Not really interested…it has the wrong energy in it….don’t know fully why I feel that way but I do….(Then again the right touch could soften me right up…or harden me, that is.)
He is a sincere soul. That is a better ending. I know he did not mean to be hurtful…just a bit of the wrong energy in all that for me. Still too tender…may have ripped open a scab.
Before dinner, when I did not come up to eat, Patrick came down to get me and found me upset. Patrick sat by me on the bed and read the journal (as I cried) saying things like “aw”…somewhat too father to crying child – not friend to wounded friend…and then he seemed to connect deeper. Nats thought I’d overheard her talking to another Tantra guy about working on me and I got offended. It was good to have them both down here. It was very hard to pull myself together to go upstairs for dinner. I decided that if I cried there – so OK. Could eat a little and had some Ginger Beer. I do love these people so much…hurt feelings and all. My feelings got trapped in some growth issues for Patrick and/or me or both. Nats said me writing a book about it all might be one reason Patrick can’t go there. Probably deeper – just not comfortable with the sexual work with clients…and I am a client and a friend.
I thought I might be a good person for Patrick to start on because of the comfort and friendship…maybe not so much. He still is toying with the idea…but maybe toying is just not where I want to be. His newness to it makes it enticing and sweet to me – like the virgin. Having been with virgins and Greg, more than once…let me rethink this plan.
10pm
Played the “No” song to Patrick…message being – don’t go where you’re not comfortable. Don’t go to maybe – just say no. Also played Elton John’s Love Song. He said he never got it from David, our Richmond class friend. I think it is a perfect song for SKHM.
Went up to watch Harry Potter and Zen got sick with a fever…watched Zahn, the baby, while they dealt with his fever and got him over on the couch with us for a while. Zahn started to fuss a bit and Patrick put him in the sling and walked out to the deck and called us out to see the sky – a single tall tower in the distance with a huge full moon right beside it. Got to chat on the porch till skeeters (Patrick’s favorite) chased us in. One of Patrick’s first books he read as a child was on ESP, Natalie’s was on Psychic Energy. He was a big basketball star – meditated for 2 to 3 hours a day in 9th grade…have to get my facts straight but was interested in his upbringing. He was read the entire bible as a child and then when he was in Yemen read the entire New Testament in one night. Seems Jesus only wanted his teachings to be taught to Jews…called others dogs…ACK!
Talked about Archangels, hierarchy and my fingers snapping again after the Archangel healing. Patrick can’t snap his fingers, just not coordinated. Sometimes, I said, I thought the Angels were ETs. He asked me if I had met any…other than Stacia’s Archangels…no…He said I would meet them tonight. They only come when invited. I said only friendly ones please. Spect Patrick only hangs with nice guys or he is just yanking my chain. (Edit: he is a big prankster!!!) We shall see. He said they were interested in me.
They want me to write up something for their guestbook. I meant to bring it down but forgot it. Will take some time to think about it.
Listening to the amazing recording of Patrick’s tonight (His collection of music). I really do want to come here in so many ways. I spect if this is where Source wants me this is where I will be.
Thank you for this healing this morning with Nats. Such amazing clearing projecting into ecstasy – Initiation and orgasm. Too much fun…really! OK – not too much – I am so grateful. She’d like me to do a testimonial – I am happy happy happy to do so. “Massage and a hand job..do come!”
How about instead: Safe, Adored, Loved, Heart Centered, Ecstatic, Sweet. Thank you for this healing. Such deep soul level healing!
Again – I’ll miss being near them.
I am so grateful love has brought us together Patrick and you brought me to Natalie!
Happy Ending to Retreat Story
January 23, 2008 – 1st Day after the Retreat Warm and fully dressed in the am. (Spent most of my time in a long shift and nothing else.) Feels odd.
Well…seems like a lot of people stopped in last night. Saw circles with a dot in the middle, a whole bunch of them. ..then the impression of many people, both male and female. Am I just so programmable that I created this or was Patrick really not kidding. Oy!
Talked to Patrick, he wasn’t kidding - if I connect with the dots I get downloaded with their info. “The Galactic Federation” I teased him and asked if Captain Kirk was there.
-O -
This ends the direct journal entries. Below I have added a few notes from the trip. I will be adding more to the blog as things develop. As of today I have lost about 22 pounds and they continue to melt away. I have been recovering from a determined virus that I picked up after coming home. I look forward to feeling fully well and diving into my life here. As most of you know I have scheduled my first All Love SKHM weekend class with Sonja, Patrick’s daughter starting April 4, 2008. More delights continue to unfold! Drove north to visit the beach to do a dolphin swim. (no dolphins appeared) I took the scenic route through the forest and it took 7 hours to get there. We expected it to take only take 5 hours. As I drove I often felt accompanied by the ETs….or something. I walked up and knocked on the lodge door and Margaret, the owner, answered. She was on the phone with Patrick who had just called. The ETs told him I had arrived. They had been watching over me. :O)
| Journal EntriesSunday, February 10th 2008 @ 11:41 AM |
Beloved Friends,
I have decided to post the majority of my daily journal from the retreat (piece by piece as I get it typed) with some things removed since this site is uncomfortable with explicit sexual descriptions. Do I hear you all sighing with relief or disappointment? :O) The other things I will or may remove are to save me from looking like a complete idiot. After all, I must maintain some standards. ;O) As I re-read this work I see the limits I was thinking within and the ways letting go of certain beliefs would benefit me. This is certainly true regarding my past teacher and ex-friend TBT(The big teacher) who introduced me (handed me off?) to Patrick. Patrick told me that TBT had called and asked him to work with me because there was a romance brewing that he was not interested in. It was apparently some time before I contacted Patrick…which I did not know until this retreat. I am deeply grateful this happened even though there is a sting for me still in the way it happened.
I wanted to give you a little bit of the story as I see it, flawed as it will be. I was working with TBT, this very gifted Reiki healer, who I found since he was one of my Reiki Master’s Master. Early in my Reiki work with TBT, August 2003, my husband informed me he was leaving me for a younger woman. I was shocked and devastated since one of the reasons I married him because he was so loyal. TBT was there to catch me as I collapsed from this shock. He was a dear loving support who always took my calls whenever I needed him. It wasn’t long before the intimacy of the deep work we were doing, the ease of his accessibility and the pain and fear of feeling my feelings propelled me into falling head over heals in love with him. I was very honest about the process (as honest as I could be with myself at the time) and I was at first frustrated and embarrassed by it all…transference…what they call ‘falling in love‘ when you are in therapy. It’s the same thing in or out of therapy but creates those lovely boundaries that I wanted nothing of. It was amazing how much TBT did remind me of my father, OY!
I was a mess. TBT was an amazing teacher and healer and helped me see the victim role I so embraced. My victim was one of the first things he helped me see, in fact. It was an amazing growth filled healing time that crashed badly at the end. TBT and I both seem to be attracted to extremes and/or big experiences, we enjoyed an amazing loving intimate relationship for over a year…as student and teacher/ client and practitioner/lovers of poetry/ energy “junkies” and friends…although less so in the friends department. He helped me survive a terribly painful time in my life. Part of what happened in the relationship(s) was my giving my power away and forming a deeply co-dependant relationship with TBT. He would joke that the rest of us were amateurs when it came to being a Narcissist. He also said he knew he had a big ego. He was my mirror, these things are true of me too. I also do a great job of playing the co-dependant role. Thus the dance went.
In the end I recreated the abandonment I felt when my husband left and that feeling of betrayal with TBT. I could not let go of the victim role and I was not going to let go of co-dependence unless forced. Well, the Beloved co-operated and I was forced. I keep trying but the Beloved seems quite stubborn about me letting go of this issue. :O) Because of some of the events and things said I felt sexually shamed by TBT. He may have had no idea that he was doing that and no intention to do so. It is my responsibility for feeling the way I felt. I ended up accusing him of having bad boundaries and alienating myself from several friends I had introduced to TBT. I lost my healer and several friends in the process. What a mess. I felt abandoned and betrayed by those few friends too. Beware the power of attraction, my friends! I created this! I have done a lot of healing about this over the last few years. It was 2004 when things went crash. I knew my energy was still blocked from the abandonment and shame I felt loosing my husband, my Reiki Teacher and my friends. This on top of an abortion at the age of 18 propelled me into this work. In this retreat experience I liberated myself from the feelings of shame and released the energy block that had sat in my 2nd chakra for so long. The Tantra work was a pivotal piece in liberating me from these stories and feelings I stored inside of me.
I keep thinking I should write a book about this deeply healing Heaven and Hell unfolding that I have gone through…I could keep all the sexy stuff in a book. :O) For the time being I present to you the lion’s share of my journal. I hope it is a worthwhile read for you. Your comments are welcome. I hope I will hear from you as you journey along with me.
All Love,
Sherry
New Zealand 7 Day Silent Retreat Journal Entries(editedJanuary 14, 2008-Monday-9:48am-The Café at the Hyatt-Last day before Retreat starts the evening of the 15th
Reading Hafiz…crying…laughing- Poetry should leave a love bruise-a big one! Oh my yes!
Here is part of Hafiz’ The Size of the Love-Bruise from The Subject Tonight is Love translated by Ladinsky
The gauge of a good poem is the size of the love-bruise it leaves on your neck.
Or
The size of the love-bruise it can paint on your brain.
Or
The size of the love-bruise it can weave into your soul.
Or indeed-
It could be all of the above.
-Hafiz
Soften me, my Beloved.
My dreams…selling blue jeans?
But before – dreams of an angry spirit in the attic – no one could enter because the spirit froze you out-with pain and fear. We decided to ex-spell the spirit so we could reclaim the attic. We used strong angry exorcism or similar energy to fight the spirit. I kept wondering why we did not use love. I knew we had succeeded but that within the day – all the windows would be blown out from the explosion from this ex-spelled angry spirit. Something felt proper about the explosion of glass-the expression of anger as the spirit was defeated-ex-spelled-exorcized. The spirit was someone’s mother ; female element not wanting to let go – angry victim – powerful but disembodied – controlling only the attic stubbornly.
What is all this anger and contraction from the love and peace? Stubborn spoiled mule, as Hafiz says.
But does God even laugh at that? And isn’t God even that?
Lovely Indian waiter – charming and young…thinks I am interesting. Humpf. :O)
So my angry disenfranchised-disembodied self is keeping me out of the attic…out of the top floor where the past is often stored? Pain and unconsciousness happens as I try to go there. Yes – these are the dreams I’ve missed or had and did not note. An appropriate explosion (exposure) will end this spirit – this guard of the attic--- when I reclaim that space as my own.
Madness – Being Mad
Is it the resistance that is the enemy? Do we “win” if we stop struggling? How can I soften and stop struggling? Even though in this moment I am not struggling?...I feel much comfort and peace.
Am I just numb or am I truly at peace? Oh tricky mind – I can create it all.
When instead I’d like to dance and sing and love.
I am so grateful for this moment.
Tears and the heart of a wounded child arise as I think of my gratitude…it is the ‘I am not worthy’ part of me crying in gratitude for the gifts bestowed.
Whenever I think I am ancient – this path is old to me- I feel superior and then foolish. Yet somewhere it is an old path – a treasure that I struggle not to turn into an ego prize.
Om Namah Shivah!
May I be the hollow reed for the Divine. May I learn love more deeply – and let go of my resistance to the full embodiment of Love!
OH my Beloved! My Friend!
Teach me ---hone me to Your Love.
May I serve deeply, purely, fully.
The message from the waterfall years and years before – fulfill!
May I fulfill ecstatically!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
January 15, 2008 – 9:12pm Patrick and Nats – Tuesday
Enlightenment Activation – mind slowing heart opening
Tonight – a conversation > TBT’s warning to Patrick about my co-dependence. I still feel a slight tingling of burn…echoes of outrage past. I’d like to believe I am past co-dependence…we shall see. I wanted to create it with another friend recently – replace Kristine, my recently deceased friend, as central. No luck there. I still grieve and feel rejected. Ah … sure I’m past it.
Desire…it will burn you!
I still yearn for that intimate other and when it is full of wanting completion – yup…co-dependence. Sometimes the life without that drama – desire- seems barren. Barren. Yes. Barren.
I could not have done the co-dependent dance without such a good partner. That is why I loved him so “hard”. And why I learned so much the hard way.
My desire to be close to power (Capricorn) and give mine away…ACK..don’t know if there’s a sign for that one other than Yield! :O(
So – much thought after a deep quieting activation. It sits waiting for me to rejoin it.
Come embrace me Beloved.
Let us dance for ecstasy and joy.
Let us clean me out so you may pour more love through.
Om Shanti
Shanti
&nb sp; Shanti
&nb sp; & nbsp; Om.
January 16,2008 – Wednesday – 7:30am – Retreat Day One
Was awakened by my phone this AM – forgot to turn it off…some 004 call? Had to look through bleary eyes – dumb! Was awake before Patrick came down since I had to pee. Meditation on the triangle around the bridge of the nose and the feeling of the breath. Commanded not to move but when my hands and arms and foot started to tingle too much…I moved. It was good quiet but not deep – lots of empty space and curiosity. Next step was the machine that giggled my whole body from moving my ankles. At first I didn’t want it to keep going… then when it stopped I was disappointed. I had trouble getting comfortable in bed last night – too much or too little cover…had a small bed. Not used to a single bed. After much trying this and that - beach towel, etc. I fell asleep.
Breakfast and massage next.
Patrick told me a story of his broken hand and a lump that formed. Doctors said the only way to remove it was surgery. He removed it by taking the energy away. He will be doing that with me as he works on me – removing my body armor – I cry when I think or say that. {I weighed over 287 lbs before the retreat.}
I ask my guides, angels, Kristine and ascended masters to help me let go of this body armor now!
Messages from my body during the massage:
Jaw: “You never listen to me!”
Leg/Foot: “ I want my body to work right!”
Comfort of full torso massage…
Comfort of love and acceptance…
Nap
Lunch
Nap
3:30pm Post Breath Work
So many hearts I’ve locked out of mine so I would not feel their pain.
Lots of grief for those gone, Kristine, Michele, Mom, Dad, Scooter…
“You killed my child” – my body
“Yes, I am sorry” – my self
And then I walled myself off with fat.
7:45pm
Sleep after breath work – waking with very stiff back. Patrick helped loosen it with the giggler – which hurt my knees – went too long I think – and he gave me some good pressure massage.
They put a wonderful soft pad on the bed so I will likely sleep better tonight. Explained the crushed disc(s) knees, hips, etc.
We did a meditation where I took the T cells from my heart and sent it to repair my back. Then ½ hour repeating All Love as a Meditation – feeling it not just saying it …making a vibration in the heart with Love.
During breath work - it was just soothing till I asked Kristine to help and felt my deep loss of her…my missing her sweetness. She smiled and blew breath into my heart and I cried and cried – this began the opening.
After dinner we listened to Nisan Dorma – amazing talent show find from England – I wept for Daddy. I miss his amazing tenor- so full of love and passion.
So grief and loss…some laughter too…come up. I was missing the ecstasy of the large class when I realized I keep my heart closed to avoid the pain of others. I am an empathy in the class- we all are.
8:05pm
Enlightenment Activation - Loving attunement – concentrate on Daddy – the Divine Father – all aspects – weeping – then I see Dad come in with a drink and a cigarette and I begin to laugh. He says ‘what’s up kiddo?’ Told him in tears I miss him and his singing – I know he is nearer now than before. He said he’d sing for me tonight and when I hear these others – he sings through too. He supports this work - I asked how his heart was – he said it was light all light now. ‘Go for it’ – re: Tantra.
I wish I could watch the sunset. It may have clouded over…amazing view of the city from the balcony here. Quiet upstairs now. 8:20pm
I am so grateful for this time – this work with these people. Thank you Beloved. And thank you TBT for leading me to them. In the breath work session – I felt his love and support. If not for him – so much would have been missed – like Patrick. I learned many wonderful and some terrible things – important terrible things with him. You cannot do the co-dependant dance without a partner…which is why the energy is so different with Patrick. It is a different time in my life too… I am not terrified and desperate for a loving other. Somewhere I have befriended and love me – many ‘wheres’ actually. This loving touch feels safe and comfortable. TBT’s felt special…not always offered, withheld and then graciously bestowed. Oh sigh…I learned a lot about me. He is whatever I project him to be-right? AND- I see myself as I look in his eyes. There’s the biggest lesson- there is no other- just the mirror reflecting myself. A greatly humbling reality.
Feel
Breathe
Feel
Thank you for a softer bed and a more open heart…
Breathe Feel
I miss my puppies.
Soft
Softer
Entering the hidden palace in my heart
This body
This tired wounded body
She wants so to dance and Jump and sing.
I can sing.
Now to learn once more to dance and jump.
Breathe
Feel
Beloved Father – Hold me in thy loving arms – kiss my forehead with peace – surround my heart, body, being with Love.
This gift I wish to give.
Om
Shanti
Shanti
Shanti
January 17, 2008 – Thursday – Day 2 Retreat
Got to sleep in – was restlessly awake around 3:30 to 4:30 last night and Rumi’s poem “Don’t go back to sleep” kept playing in my mind so of course Patrick tells me to stay up and meditate when it happens again. “The door is round and open, Don’t go back to sleep.”
10:03am
Session in my room. Not fully silent retreat. Asked about the force vs. organic – pulling out the feelings…being silent is forced. He wants this to be the best experience of my life – which is forced too. He works to let go of that expectation. Went into the pain of my work with TBT. Talked a lot through the session. He told me at breakfast we would put words with feelings now. Told him how shamed I felt – told him outrageous things I said to TBT…penis Reiki, I’ll pay for sex, etc. How I pushed him.
Patrick would have encouraged the feelings – to go into them fully – feel them fully…TBT wanted to redirect or seeming dismiss..redefine. (Or so I perceived then.)
‘I am unavailable but feel those feelings fully and one who can respond with appear.” Need to go back into the passion…deep love. I see my Huge heart…less black in it now.
I remember saying –‘ Do you know what you are awakening?’ –to TBT.
This intense erotic “monster”. She is no real monster just an extreme.
Salvation through the ‘other’ makes her extreme and desperate…angry demanding--- clutching scared and hungry…hungry ghost.
Finding the erotic powerful without the hungry ghost.
I so miss the Beloved embodied other…intimate other. Patrick agrees – finding an equal partner may be a task…I told him I felt there were not many equals out there for me. Maybe this is my fantasy but I’ve had several people, a therapist, friends and now Patrick see it. (Maybe a belief structure to let go of now!!!) (Sharing this honestly isn’t so easy! ) :O)
So my Beloved other – I prepare myself for you. I prepare myself for me. My body no longer needs to try to reach the size of my spiritual heart.
Natalie will work on me today. I told Patrick – part of me wonders what the “f…” I was thinking doing this and then I remember – oh yeah- that’s why.
This Am – before breakfast – Zahn wanted to be held by me during heart meditation – the sweetness of baby body next to mine touched my heart. Went back to open the child heart – I was a happy free child. Patrick said the work opened the crown. Breathe down through the heart.
I liked Patrick’s honesty about his expectations and needing to let go of them. The expectation that I will hate them at some point during the retreat telling them this is all working – hum. Maybe it will have to happen – my deep resistance exposed…or maybe I can surrender more easily. We shall see. Have already felt resistance to some of the forced stuff. Probably need it too…the guards at the heart are vigilant.
Post Nats Session:
YES!2pm
Post Tantric Massage with Natalie and 2 other beautiful goddesses – naked dancing soothing exciting erotic orgasmic massage. My lower pelvis pushed raises tears – aching loss. The scraping knife---the sensible decision. Fearful determined decision to abort. The loss is there, right decision or not. So much tenderness allows this loss out amidst sensual delight. (Edited - I will write more about this experience on a later day.)
This may have been a fulfillment of a multi-lifetime desire. I wonder what dynamic it would have with a man? (Not thinking of you Patrick – well - then again) :O)
Might be too weird and would not want the experience if you or Nats were uncomfortable. The comfort! The incredible comfort and acceptance and joy of it. Oh My! Thank you Beloved for this experience in body and beyond body!
Thank You!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Yoni Goddess is smiling.
Maybe this is the feminine energy the psychic readers saw. Goddesses all around me. Oh my!
Goddess Yes!
I wonder who I would have become had I met Natalie years ago and could have done the goddess healing then. Back when I thought I wanted to be a sex therapist. Things happen at the right time. I needed to become comfortable with myself. Being naked in front of Patrick and Natalie and the other Goddesses was so comfortable. I do have such trust with them. I did not trust TBT and he knew it – said it more than once to me. Maybe somewhere I knew. Kristine said there was always a game. Cat and Mouse? only you could be the mouse. Bitching about him is not productive. Underneath somewhere is the feeling of victim (edit: DUH!). At the end it seemed like a contest between us who was the bigger victim. I want to let go all victim and wounder as well. (Edit: I let go the victim and the wounder.) We did good work together. Thank you TBT…still hard to say without seeing him look conceited in my mind…how sad it that?!?
Tantra’s delights. Yeehaw! What a way to come back into the body.
(A Beginning Visualization during Tantra:)
On my left-my mother, grandmother, great grandmother back to the Goddess – on my right my father, grandfather, great grandfather back to the Divine Consort – Bring them together in my heart.
7:15pm
Blessed Tantra
Slept and wrote - then a sweet chat with Patrick – he could see the sex therapist thing for me –then Patrick and Nats, then Nats. (PS: Relevant retreat talk – not small talk-like I said…not so silent now.) Shared the journal with both – such a blessing.
Went out to the fascinating Asian shopping area to pick up dinner with Patrick and Zak. Nice dinner and ice cream – visit on the porch with Nats, baby and Zak. Now I’ve moved the chair in front of the door downstairs to peacefully watch the sun on the bushes across the street – the blue sky and the clouds going by –white and grey.
Beautiful woman just walked out – she’s from Pennsylvania…just finished giving a massage. Very lovely. Didn’t know anyone was here working. Interesting being here. WOW!
So I am reclaiming the infant heart in mine. The baby is a great guru. Years ago one of the first things Patrick ever said to me was “I’m just a guy.” That same truth and a child’s innocence about him – that amazing heart – keep me wanting to do this work with him. There are few I trust now and Patrick and Natalie are two of them. (Patrick later said to lighten up on the trust issue...still mulling that over but rings of an important truth.)
Natalie is here now chatting with the lovely woman. Can I stay in my heart amid the dish? Hard not to enjoy and join in. :O)
This body
This body is grateful and hoping for more. Maybe a young man will be a part of this – just need to feel safe with him…same ease and comfort as today. More erotic because of the male would be fine too. Ah - we shall see.
Ending of Day 2 – as Day One – Enlightenment Activation – this time with Nats and Zahn.
Immaculate Heart of Christ
Winged Angels – Wings opening from the Immaculate Heart.
8:30pm
Beautiful Heart opening in my room – and let me let go the boundaries on this heart – pour into All Love. One Immaculate Heart Universe.
Welcome home sexual sensual body –
I have missed you so. Welcome home.
I am grateful you have returned to me, Beloved.
I have missed you so.
January 18, 2008 – Day 3 Retreat -7:40am
Up at 6am – started meditation around 6:20
Patrick came down with the All Love Activation around 7am. I have just stopped to write and rest. A bit distracted. Thoughts of yesterday calling me. I still feel sexually activated. Feeling the sex between my legs - like its saying - Hey! Pay attention to me! More of that!
Last night giving myself pleasure, when I came I pulled the energy up to my crown and this white light blew into my head – amazing ecstatic experience. So calm meditation is being distracted by this sexual call. That and the very bright sunlight in my face…even through the curtains.
At breakfast news of 6” of snow in Baltimore. Wow! I hope Teresa will be OK with the snow and the pups. I’m sure she will figure it out.
Morning massage (with Patrick) seems will be next.
Spewed vomit into the beautiful crystal bowl. Still feel the hurt inside. Slept without moving in deep stillness, body and mind.
Intensive body work session – Patrick touched my head and at the back was pain at the left side > from thinking this was massage to intensive release session…Patrick pushing on my pubic bone area where I knew I was blocked…he went right to it – no surprise. Through fear of becoming an invalid into the rage of not wanting that, to the grief of the abortion where this body abuse began. I cry as I write. Patrick just peeked in…he had several times while I slept.
I resisted but with Patrick’s firm push to release... Knowing I wasn’t getting to the bottom of it…’I don’t want to feel’…I was so young when the whistling abortionist came in and cut the life out of me. Patrick had me scream (and positioned) like in child birth pushing the energy out.
I had no idea we would go this deep today. He called it the old one two punch….lull you into opening then knock you over with this one.
Part of my mind was going – this is just theatrics and hysteria – ‘stop being so dramatic – you can do this without this drama.’ The other part was saying ‘shut up I’m working here.’ This is why I came and I must say I was still surprised. I am also surprised at the twin sides of me – the one that wants to “obey” and the one that wants to fight everything.
There was no sense of sexuality or sensuality with Patrick’s touch on my pubic bone even though that would normally be triggered – even when he pressed and vibrated the area…it was like deep tissue work in an area w/o deep tissue.
Somewhere I or my body cried out that I want my baby. How that would have changed my life!
Patrick is giving me much needed space right now. I’m not ready to face the family right now. They waited lunch but I am not ready to eat right now. More sleep sounds like a possibility.
2pm
Somewhat disoriented…slept more. Just got invited to go to the shore but am too tired still. Patrick said to rest up for round 2. Oh God – I told him he will come back and find me and my bags gone. He’ll know I ascended – yes, even with my bags.
Nats stopped in to chat – told her I felt adored. One of the goddesses was only 18. She looked even younger.
I want to write more about yesterday since the rawness inside wants to heal from today. I’m sure we will open it back up if (hah) we need to do more work. I think I need to cry to recover from the healing. Nats said Patrick told her it was intense – like an alien coming out. I told her I couldn’t do this with anyone else - no one I could think of…the two of them, the comfort with nudity sexuality and intensity.
(Inserted Note: I realized I wrote about the Tantra to escape or recover from the ache of the work I had just done.)
The towels…after being soaked in oil yesterday…the warm wet towels came in.
3 naked beautiful goddesses came into the room – I knew the towel over me was unnecessary then. We started with me face down – hot oil (too hot actually) was poured on me and they began to dance with their bodies over me – rubbing and sighing as they washed themselves over me. Ahhh! Nats had me breathe deeply –harder to do on my stomach – and let the light come in through the crown and up from the earth through the feet, breathing in contracting the PC muscle. I wept – this amazing feeling of being adored! Worshipped! Pampered! I immediately wanted to move here! And I started to laugh thinking no one would believe me. The All Love SKHM music was on. So many hands and bodies against mine. At some point I was aching to turn over and shortly after Nats asked me on a scale from 1 to 10, one being let me alone to 10 being f*** me now, where was I. I said 7…I’ve wanted to turn over for a while. Soon after they began to lightly run their fingers up and down my body – very erotic and enticing…the warm wet towels came out and they gently lovingly wiped the excess oil off my backside. Did I mention the breath? The sighing and blowing across my body? The occasionally holding my hands and leaning their faces near mine in tenderness.
I rolled over and enjoyed seeing these naked beauties around me – I seldom glanced – almost feeling like that to look was wrong. The oil, the hands, everywhere all over except my sex - when one or more stimulated my nipples the feeling of excitement pulsed through me contracting my PC. After I began to writhe more with the excitement Nats asked if they had permission to touch my sacred space. Oh Yes!
So I’ll stop now and finish this story later. :O)
3:30 – leftover lunch – cold Pad Tai – yummy.
Beginning to recuperate.
Gee…do I get a soothing massage today?
:OI ACK!
After all that intensity I could use one.
Now that I feel better I realized I felt beaten up by the experience…almost victimized. The retching vomiting first in the crystal bowl, then in the white bucket…and that was only the beginning. The contracting, then the compulsive shaking…
I laughed after I threw up before the rest set in – Patrick pushing me to go deeper – the deeper feeling underneath, first fear, then anger, rage and loss… He had the energy speak. He had me go to the future self that was an invalid and experience that feeling – not create it, it was already n my consciousness – experience it and release it. I was numb and I was so angry and hurt. ‘How could you do this to me.’ Wailing. Screaming. It is becoming a blur. “You stupid Bitch, how could you do this to me?!?!”-the past me speaking to the present me - “You didn’t have to do this1 Don’t follow in Kristine’s footsteps! You don’t have to follow!” I am exhausted again just writing this.
8:15pm
Just returned from a lovely trip to the beach and then wild fish and chips dinner at Red Dog – my treat for Natalie’s birthday tomorrow----and she has lined up the young man to come in to work on me with her. EEEEEK! Wish he were Polynesian or some ethnic descent….there’s something about the Hawaiian men, etc.
I’m fearing inequity and judgment that I didn’t fear with the women. Nats did share that the young one freaked when I started to cry. I am sure she was the less gentle or talented one with the yoni work. Someone felt a bit clumsy and inexperienced….yet the trio was a powerful experience. Nats told me that it was an amazing experience being not sexually involved and watching a woman experience the goddess.
Patrick just read this journal and thanked me for writing it. We talked about how I hadn’t been very silent. I haven’t been too chatty but silence will get it to build up in my head. ?
Humm –
I am still raw from today’s experience. Patrick thanked me for being brave enough to do this work.
OK – some recording keeps going on disturbing my quiet here. :O(
Forgot to mention the soothing massage Patrick gave me at 4pm today…without my asking. He teased that he was relaxing me for the next round. It was a wonderful sensual full body massage with sweeping full body strokes – a small towel bunched at my pubic area for comfort – I’m not sure if its needed but – no towel when I rolled over. It really is too bad Patrick’s not comfortable with the Tantra and he and Nats couldn’t work on me together- God only knows what kind of experience that would be!!! Scream with orgasm and then throw up? 2nd though – forget it! :O)
Met another goddess today – Yeehaw – She’s a hotty! Patrick has a rough life with these naked beautiful women all around him. Poor baby.
Patrick still wants me to rest – he knows I’m still raw.
Powerful Activation – speaking silently in tongues – words or parts of words –vowels, sounds start coming to my lips – it is often like whispered prayers – ancient chants….its unknown to me but I no longer block it.
10 after 9pm and the light is finally dimming in the sky.
I am tired even after sleeping much of the day. Whew!
10Pm
