No more overwhelming anger

Monday, January 30th 2012 @ 4:35 PM    post viewed 289 times

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For as long as I can remember, I was very angry and defensive.  I did not want to be this way, but I did not know how to change. I was quick to rage, and quick to defend. I wanted to be a force of peace and love, but did not have the faculties to do so.  Now, I am different.

Since my last healing and attunement, I do not feel that surge of heated anger in my belly, nor do I feel that irritation in my nose preceding defensiveness.  More over, I feel an overwhelming amount of love for my mother. My mother was the one person I was very angry with. I was always angry with her. But now, behaviors that would have annoyed me, or would have made me feel controlled are triggering me to feel compassion for her.  I see my mother for the first time. I see her pain, suffering, and wounds. I feel so much love for her and wish to give her love infinitely. I am no longer resentful towards my mother. But rather, I see her struggles and feel so much compassion for her. I also see how much she loves me and don't color our interactions through an angry lens anymore. This change has brought me so much peace.  And I am so grateful that I have time to forge an authentic, loving relationship with my mother now.

 

All Love

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1/25/12: one truth does not fit all.

Wednesday, January 25th 2012 @ 5:39 AM    post viewed 233 times

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Today, I mindfully watched a pattern unfold while speaking to my mother on the phone. I notice her energy requires extensive explanation on my part as to what my reality is.  My simple truth does not seem to be sufficient when relating to her. So I noticed that I had to over explain myself and my point of view.  Being that my relationship with her was my first one, it seems I extended this pattern to all relationships.  You may notice this pattern of over-explanation in my email correspondence to my healers.

 

While mindfully watching my interaction with my mother, I came to the realization that this is the truth for our relationship, but may not necessarily be the truth for all others. I found myself wondering "do I over explain myself to the point of exhausting the other? perhaps. Is it even necessary to explain myself so much? perhaps not. Is my simple truth sufficient in most situations? Perhaps!  I tested this hypothesis with K, and his response indicated that I need not to explain myself so much. My simple truth is enough and I don't need to go any further. Ok. So the truth of my relationship with my mother is not the truth with my relationship with K. I need not over explain myself.

I will test this further and see if my pattern of over explanation is archaic for me, and no longer serves my truth or authenticity. 

 

Ever since my healings, I have been able to look at interactions in this manner- mindfully without reacting. Yes, before the healings I would notice. But no! I could not watch and respond.  I'd only react. It was a horrible cycle to which I could not find the "exit" out.  Now that my my system has received all-love and sekhem, I really feel I am not my issues any longer and can now mindfully ask: is  this my truth? or is this a pattern?  Am I living someone else's truth? What is my truth?

All love.

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1/24/12

Tuesday, January 24th 2012 @ 11:24 AM    post viewed 218 times

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Recently I have been feeling moments of one-ness. I feel like I am you and you are me. As though we are all different points of view of the same being. And at any moment, I could have been the other person or vice versa.  I feel like we are all one being, expressing different aspects of Ourself in different ways. These are transcendental moments that last for quite a bit..like for a half an hour at a time and come when I tap into my love for everyone especially.

 

On a more personal relating level, I notice that I have patterns and assumptions. I often realize that most of what I think is going on is a projection. I check it out with a person and more often than not it is a projection.  I have been able to resolve misunderstandings in a very calm manner. This is very different. In the past I would dig my heals where my ego has decided and would theoretically see the other person's point of view in my head, but not in my body. Now I FEEL that person in my body and understand their energy and point of view and realize that the only truth is that I want to have a flow of love between us, not that I want to be right. 

 

On a personal spiritual level, my love for God has deepened. I often weep when I realize how much He has blessed me. I see God everywhere now. 

 

All love.

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Ka Shen Sekhem

Tuesday, January 24th 2012 @ 11:18 AM    post viewed 303 times

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I also want to note, that I have been recieving attunements to Ka Shen Sekhem from Peter Chapman over the past month as well, and feel it has contributed to my heaing, as there were major clearings and openings after each attunement as well.  

 

After first step of level 1 Ka Shen

12/09/11

Facebook Post in Ka Shen Group

i had my first step of level one last night. It was so powerful, that I had to sleep afterwards! I did not have such an experience with an attunement before. This, to me, speaks to the power and strength of this energy!

 

12/09/11

Email to Peter Chapman

The attunement was a wonderful experience. It was so relaxing that after I gave some energy to my fiance for just five min I needed to turn in for the night. How powerful!!  Thank you so much!  I am grateful!

 

after completing Level 1 attunements

 

1/04/12

Facebook Post on Ka Shen Group

I gave someone ka shen sekhem, and he recognized it as heart energy immediately! ♥

 

1/10/2012

Email to Peter Chapman after step one of Level 2 attunement

The attunement itself was very intense: my
whole body was buzzing and floating, i was seeing star-like flashes
behind my eyes and my hand chakras were burning up.

The two days after the attunement was extremely intense as well. I
cleared a lot, but it put a lot of tension on my relationship. I am
now in a very peaceful, loving space.  I imagine that I have been
putting a lot of sekhem and all-love into my body to the point that i
have grown exponentially in the past month. (i have recieved three
private all love sessions, and attunements from you), i have been on a
rollercoaster of disintegration (through healing, and attunements) and
reintegration( due to post effects of healing and attunement). but my
fiance and i have decided that i should park in this space for a while
and just be.  So, i think i am going to wait for step 2 and 3, since
step 1 of level 2 was so powerful.

please note, that i am saying that the growth i have experienced from
all this is cosmic. far beyond my belief. i just need a break :)  I
hope all is well with you and look forward to hearing your thoughts :)


 

1/26/12

Hi Peter, I wanted to tell you that I did not stick to my month
waiting period prior to my attunements.  For some reason, I felt
called to do step 2 ten days ago and the attunement was gentle. I felt
a buzzing and then floating.  The cleanse that followed surrounded the
theme of truth, one-ness and forgiveness.  Last night I felt called to
complete step three. The attunement was buzzing and energizing. I only
needed four hours of sleep and have yet to drink coffee this morning
:)  In just the ten hours after attunement I have noticed that I am
less agitated than even before. I feel even more calm, content and
mindful.  It seems that my process is gentler after the attunements
rather than extremely intense like after the all-love sessions. I
think that may be why there are steps? At any rate, I feel that my
system tells me when it is ready for the next step, and I know I will
want level 3 no matter what.  Should we set it up in the cosmic bank
and I'll ask for it when my system is calling for it? Or should there
be a different way?  Thank you!
Love,

I also feel the energy surging through me now.

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emails to healers after 3rd private session

Tuesday, January 24th 2012 @ 11:18 AM    post viewed 206 times

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01/05/12

Hi loves, thank you for the healing today. i am definitely in a
different space, calm space. but, something is eating away at me (i
probably need to integrate this), and i suppose i am still looking for
outside validation. but, all the sudden i felt a surge of guilt and
selfishness regarding the fact that i want to have another session,
simply for bliss and initiation. it feels greedy. i am still going to
see you both next week friday because i feel like if i give in to this
rather than process it, and cancel, then i am not integrating and
learning why i feel this way. but i do feel this. i am still ON for
next week. i just wanted to tell you this because all of the sudden, i
feel selfish. in my mind i know if i heal myself, i will be healing
others because we are all one, but in my body i feel selfish.  i am
very certain this will pass. but i guess i am telling you this because
a part of me is projecting on to you both, wondering if you think i am
being selfish. like at the end of our session i said "i'd rather be
blissed out earlier, than later." this is reverberating in my mind..as
a selfish desire. which it is. i guess i am a person who can be
selfish. i probably should love that part of myself. ok i will stop
processing on to you both and bring it back to an internal process.
ok, love you both very much. time to get used to this new skin.

Love,


 

01/05/12

hi again, no need to respond to my previous email. just admitting it
"outloud" to you started the process of accepting the fact that i'm no
saint :P  i say that tongue in cheek because i resisted admitting that
i can be selfish in the past, but am ready to acknowledge it and
accept it. and i have a hunch there is nothing wrong with being
selfish (self-ful?) sometimes.  See you next week on friday at 1..
Love to you
muah,


 

01/10/12

Hi Love, I left you a voicemail about this....
i think i am going to stay in this space for a while. each healing has
brought about really positive change but the rollercoaster ride of
integrating is too much for me to go through it again so soon as
friday. I am going to take time away from it for a while ( atleast a
month) and see if I am called to do the fourth session. I feel very at
peace right now, but have gone through so much intensity that I don't
want to go through anymore for now. I hope to see you soon, though.
Thank you for all of the love, support, and HEALING!!  I really feel
love inside of me.
love you,


 

01/14/201

 

Today I went home. My parents and all friends from my Indian community said " you are glowing with love, peace, and happiness!!" thanks!

 

01/16/2012

It was the first time I saw my mother and father since our sessions. We processed! The drama energy tried to come, but I blasted it with truth and I feel like something truly shifted. I felt old patterns come on but I witnessed and released and chose truth. It was intense. It was good. It was authentic. 

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emails to healers after 2nd private session

Tuesday, January 24th 2012 @ 11:17 AM    post viewed 218 times

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12/20/2011

I never felt so naturally happy. Thank you!!!

 

12/21/2011

randomly lost my temper for about a min..had to observe and release
it. haven't lost my temper with K ever. first time. what do you think? healing crisis?

 

12/21/2011

but amazingly no beating-up-self energy that i usually feel after i
have behaved in a way i do not like. just curiosity and intrigue

 

12/21/2011

actually i do think it was a healing crisis..because i feel even
lighter as i watched myself go into it for a min and then release it.
now things that irritated me even a little aren't irritating me. ok
sorry for the blow by blow updates. lemme know if you are getting sick
of them :)

 

12/21/2011

(regarding response that its ok to be angry) :D, ya, i'm starting to know, its better than packaging it away
somewhere in my body...... thanks, love

 

12/30/2011

thanks. yes the more honest i am with myself the more i feel
like i am now speaking my truth. especially, after you guys moved that
big angry red ball outta my throat. i guess i am not pushing anything
in anymore and just being more authentic and anger is part of it. its
something i will flow into getting used to: being more authentic
rather than pushing stuff down. and then, it rearing its ugly head
later. i've been making friends with parts of myself that i would have
pushed down before.

 

12/30/2011

i guess i want to learn to be in my truth but not always reacting on
it. i can acknowledge it inside myself, but i don't need to act on it
each time i feel it. this is my next step in healing at this moment, i
feel. but what i find encouraging is that the anger does not appear to
be from a pattern but from what is actually happening in the moment. i
also believe in myself :) and i trust i will find my way. Thank you
again

 

12/30/2011

one last thing...i find that my energy is recalibrating (do you know
what i mean) and exactly half of the conflicts i have had with K
(about 4 conflicts total since last healing!) was not knowing how to
speak my truth from a place that is not reactive but more from like
traces of old energy that was clearing. i dunno i guess i am talking
in circles. i guess i am worried you guys may think K is being a
jerk, when actually he's been super supportive through my healings,
and i am just being reactive during my integration. so that's the
point i am making. hahah i am so verbose. ok i am done. will talk soon
in person :)
love, 

12/31/2011

(regarding healer describing my process as an observer) oh and that's the exact way i feel: like an "observer" Like i am
watching clouds pass in the sky :)  very intuitive of you.

 

01/03/12

Hi loves, I know I said don't stress and please don't. But if you could do tomorrow morning ( I just need to be done be two. I have an appt at three) or thur or friday it would be really good because I'm getting really raw and more reactive by the day. I am more logical in my reactions and not just a force of anger and rage, but it is putting a lot of stress on my relationship and I'm getting super concerned. I seem to be drawing a lot of lines and boundaries because I  am not suppressing stuff but I am making a big deal about everything- even if it makes sense- rather than compromising and choosing battles wisely. So this is where I am. Things are deteriorating. K is being super understanding but it is affecting him. If you could see me this week, that would be great ( we had two conflicts last night since our last email). If not, I understand. Just wanted to explain why I'm feeling urgent on one hand but definitely do not want to stress u on the other. Ok bye for now, loves 

01/03/2012

 by conflict; I mean it consists of me getting logically upset, K understanding and then like an hour of repair. There is no " fight". Except once yesterday and once the week before  I yelled. But he doesn't yell or fight back. But it affects him. I don't want to be in this space. It's freaking me out. He doesn't deserve this :(

01/04/12

Hello dear loves, this week was a good lesson in flow. i do feel

things happen at the exact moment that it is meant to, and it really

seems that flow is true. today (the day before our next session), i no

longer feel inside out. I feel calmer, and more whole. only two days

ago i was in acute panic. I am ready for the next step, and look, its

just in time. going to keep on flowing. thank you for the support.

tuesday was rough, roughest i've felt in a long time. today, one of my

clients told me that i seemed bigger in energy-total validation of

what i am experiencing. you guys know what you are doing and know what

to expect and what is needed. thank you for this.

 

love,

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My first emails to my healers after my first private all-love session

Tuesday, January 24th 2012 @ 11:15 AM    post viewed 918 times

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I am going to post the emails I sent to my healers after recieving a two-hour private all-love session about a month ago. I plan to make new blog entries of my emails after each of my 3 total sessions, and then update my journey as I go along..You will see through my emails, how deep the energy went, how powerful of a transformation i went through and how powerful the transformation was. I am leaving out the responses from my healers for their privacy as I have not approached them about this blog as of yet.

12/14/2011

HI T,  I have a
question about my healing....yesterday i was feelng very centered and,
i still feel more centered- lack of anger, irriabiity, sadness. But I
am feeling a lot of panic. Is this normal experience? I am wondering 
if I need to integrate and that is why I feel panicky? 
what do you think?


 

12/14/2011

ok i am done with my session and i thought i'd tell you what i have
 experienced so far.  since our session, i have felt lighter and 
easier. i usually have chronic tension in my eyebrows, neck and 
shoulders, jaw..that is gone. i usually feel a grabby-look at me-
energy in my stomach, that is gone. i usually feel sadness and
irratibility in my nose-that is gone. i feel calmer and less foggy. i
don't feel a swirl of worry energy in front of my third eye anymore
 either. i think my panic is another layer, yes, but also learning how
to relate to the new me and also being aware of my patterns. for
 example i didnt go to yoga today as planned and instead of feeling 
guilty i felt ok..then i felt panic because it was such a new way lol.
i notice i do have drama energy and almost went into it when resolving 
a misunderstanding between a friend today..but instead i chose to
 remain calm and let things flow.  this is what i have noticed so far
and i am grateful..oh and i also notice that i can tap into 
authenticity more than the pretending energy. how phenomenal, T!
 K, my fiance, noticed a big change and is on the same page with
me. love to you and thank you for holding space.
Love


 

12/14/2011

p.s. and chronic neausa and vertigo gone too

 

 

 

 

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