Healing my relationship with my mother, One-ness, GodSaturday, February 4th 2012 @ 8:16 AM
Today is Saturday. I am going to account for a peak in process that began on Tuesday and is still going.
On Tuesday, I went to my parents' home to help them with some work. I immediately noticed that I felt a surge of love for my mother even in person. This was very elating to me because, as mentioned before, I always felt irritated and angry in her presence. We spent three days together without fighting. This has been the first time in 20 years that I have gone more than a day without fighting with my mother. I almost fought with her on thursday- I felt myself prompted to speak a script that I had been carrying around with me as a go-to response to her the past 20 years. But, then I took a step back and realized I didn't care about my script! I had no attachment to the memories, issues, or point of view I was carrying inside. I realized it didn't matter, because I was not me. I was Spirit. So, I changed my script. I said, "Mom, you should know, I am not mad at you anymore. I don't care about the past anymore. All that matters to me is now and being there for you." She didn't understand. So I went on further "Its like I don't even feel attached to that anymore. That stuff happened to my body, or my ego, or whatever. Or rather, my perception of what happened...But, really, it didn't happen to ME, the Spirit inside of me." She is skeptical, understandabley, and I have no attachment in myself to get her to believe me. I will just continue to be and let whatever happens in our relationship happen. But, I can say, in those few moments and for the rest of the evening, I did feel the energy shifted towards healing. This was a powerful experience, and as I write it I realize I am unable to capture it. For some reason, the emotional charge of everything since is very transient, so now when I write about something a couple days later, the experience is lost in translation.
That night, thursday night, I felt called to ask for Ka Shen Sekhem and All-love energy for some further healing. Not using language to name what I was feeling, I went into myself and felt some energies release. The next morning, yesterday morning, I woke up feeling like pure Spirit. I felt as though God was surging in from behind my heart and had animated me. I felt Huge and Pure Love. For the entire day, I felt one with the universe. Everyone I came in contact with- I felt like we were one, we were God. I had no connection to "myself" and saw my identity as that connected to this particular body, with this particular history. But really that is not me. It is just a frame of reference of the same Spirit everywhere. It was like this world is an ocean and the we are cups holding ocean water. The only thing that keeps us separate is the cup (the body) and really we are all the same. This feeling stayed with me all day. My fiance, K, noticed. He said that when we went to dinner last night, he noticed that I was not talking about myself, but was very interested in the other. and I was! I realized that everyone I was talking to was God and I was enchanted! I realized every person who has come into my life, was a version of God that He had chosen to show me for a specific purpose. I was one, and in bliss.
Then, today, I lost the feeling. I have been chasing all day. I decided to meditate to understand this brief experience, and to come to terms with the loss. During my meditation, I learned that this feeling of separateness is actually the brief experience, not the feeling of Oneness. As with all my deep healings, I feel the optimal effect of it the next day, and then go through a healing crisis for the next few days, before returning to the optimal effect in a more permanent manner, flowing even further. So, I write about it today, not waiting for it to happen. because I have faith it has happened. And will manifest once more. Thank you to my healers, Peter Chapman, Patrick, and to God.